Sex is All in the Head
Deborah Groening-Rother, PsyD
If a couple is able to stay emotionally connected before having children they will manage to find ways to continue to connect. If there isn’t a strong emotional foundation, however, the center will not hold and the first thing to go will be sexual intimacy. Understandably, being bone tired, emotionally drained, and being busy with the LO, are not aphrodisiacs for hot sex. Nevertheless, here is when some good ‘ol benign neglect comes into play.
Relationships don’t run on automatic pilot. Allowing time alone with one another is essential, even if you don’t really feel like it. Get the babysitter lined up, take a nice shower, and show up for your partner. Sex needs to be cultivated, like a good artichoke plant. Good soil, water, and added nutrients are necessary conditions for the flowering of an artichoke; same thing applies to your partner relationship. It needs to be tended to like a garden. Guilt plays an enormous part in this issue. I often hear objections that the child is innocent but the partner is an adult and should be more understanding. I also hear that economic stressors are a real buzz kill. I call BS on both of these excuses. Both men and women need to feel loved, valued, and accepted before the erotic fire is ignited. Life happens but maintaining sexual intimacy – this means hugs and kisses, not necessarily intercourse, should still be a priority. That is, if one or the other desires it. If both are okay with a sexless relationship (temporary or permanent), it isn’t a problem and one shouldn’t make it one.
Sex starts with mental kindling like dinner, a run on the beach, a party with some friends – anything that gets you out of the house together and enjoying one another. I am here to say that your baby will be fine. In fact, your baby will be more than fine because he will have loving parents who want to stay together for the long haul.