Couples Counseling – Promoting Independence Versus Dependency
Deborah Groening-Rother, PsyD
In the world of couples counseling, there is one popular belief that mutual independence is crucial to coupledom (promoted by Schnarch, among others), whereas, on the other end of the spectrum is the belief that a good relationship requires an acceptance of healthy mutual dependency (Tatkin, Hendrix, Gottman, and others). As a perinatal couples counselor, I land squarely in the latter camp. I work entirely with premarital and new parents and it has become increasingly clear to me that partnering while mating is treacherous territory. Of course, partners should be sufficiently secure with themselves to be able to tolerate the inevitable ups and downs of a committed relationship. It requires a good deal of ego strength to know when to confront problems and when to let them go. If one has autonomy of mind, one will have the understanding that their mate cannot fulfill all their wishes and desires. A fragile ego, on the other hand, will be easily wounded and depending on their attachment history, may have difficulty recovering from the perceived blows. Such individuals might have learned that it is smart to distrust others, that no understanding or gratification is even possible, and therefore, decide it is a waste of time to express one’s needs. These persons will suffer from resentment – avoiding arguments at all costs and instead harboring toxic feelings. The feelings will need to go somewhere, often manifesting as low sexual energy, depression, and physical symptoms.
Cultivating a sense of trust in one’s partner allows for the expression of one’s needs and the expectation that they will be met (or not, with good reason). In my opinion, this is the hallmark of long-term relationship success. The metaphor of being “in the boat together” evokes this phenomenon well. If one tips the boat over, both fall in the water, leaving each partner equally responsible for maintaining each other’s physiological states of affect regulation – this is the ability to stay calm during difficult emotions. When I think of healthy dependency, the “zone of proximal development” comes to mind, which is where development occurs as long as there is sufficient “scaffolding” from another. I use this approach while working with couples premaritally, post-marital/procreation, or once married with children.